Flirting With Disaster


In some cases, the addiction/alcoholism journey started with binge partying that became habitual and ultimately led to physical and mental addiction and chemical dependence. For many (if not most), the substance abuse was spawned by the need to feed the escape from the reality of pain from deep wounds caused by some past trauma. In any case, we couldn’t wait to ride that magic carpet away from reality every day. Social anxiety disappeared, we went from low self-esteem to superhero, boredom evaporated and life became a giant party, or at least an adventure that was happily tolerable. Right up until that giant balloon of substance abuse exploded and burst our lives and everything in them into flames. The spiral staircase that spun downward into the bottomless hell of addiction all started with the irresistible temptation to escape reality through the artificial euphoria created by drinking, swallowing, smoking or snorting something.


During my life of addiction, I had conditioned myself to always being able to disconnect from life through the use of substances. If I was having a bad day, I could make it better and if I was having a good day I could make it great. There was always that escape hatch for me to crawl through when I didn’t want to deal with life anymore. When the general anxiety became too much or spiked because of something bad life through at me, boredom took hold, or depression got a grip on me, or anytime the road got rough in any way, I could always jump back onto that train that took me away from it all. Eventually and predictably, my substance abuse and chemical dependence elevator that was going up, flew through the top floor and ended with me in a coma and not expected to survive. Then that train I was riding derailed and left everything in tatters.


The concept of  substituting a different drug for the drug of choice in my life is something I just cannot wrap my mind around – where I have to justify and rationalize it in my mind by saying that “Well, at least I’m not using my original drug of choice anymore.” Haven’t I still just created a new life of illusion, just on a different path? What happens when life throws a new major hardship onto that new path? Do I seriously think I’m not going to start abusing that new drug? What if that new drug isn’t enough to numb me through this new hardship? I’m still on a road paved by the conditioning of chemical dependence that would eventually circle back to my original drug of choice.


The same thing goes for me attempting to just use reduction and moderation of my drug of choice, rationalizing that under the delusion that if I reduced my overall usage, or set amount limits on a given night and stick to that, I have it all under control. Using the previous example – things might go just fine right up until the point where life puts some major hardship my way, or a compilation of many smaller but significant problems all at the exact same time. Am I naïve enough to think I won’t return to abusing my drug of choice to escape these problems? I’ll be swallowed up into that pit of addiction faster than I can drop a glass. And let’s say I choose the path of moderation, and I feel I have all my addictions conquered and under control now – If I really have them under control and I think I’m no longer dependent on drugs or alcohol, then why do I feel like I can’t live a happy life without them? I have yet to hear any coherent answers to that question.

Whichever of these tempting paths I think I might lead me to happiness and contentment, wouldn’t I still just be returning to that same mentality of substance use, as a solution to my problems, being a staple of my life? Wouldn’t I just be reverting back to that same old conditioning of being able to escape reality by drinking swallowing, smoking or snorting ‘euphoria drugs’? Aren’t I still just keeping myself in the prison of chemical dependence to those types of drugs? Both paths would eventually lead me right back into that dark pit.


Everybody’s recovery path is their own business and none of mine, so I’m not criticizing anybody else’s path at all, because I have no right to do so and it’s not my place. I’m only stating my own case for my own path. I’m totally in favor of short term Medically Assisted Treatment (MAT). This isn’t the 1930’s where they strap you to a bed for 30 days until you “dry out”. I also 100% support long term treatment, under dual diagnosis for mental illnesses, using medications for those illnesses deemed safe by the professional medical community for people with substance abuse history.

Wherever I refer to “chemical dependence” and “euphoria drugs”, I’m specifically talking about all substances, whether legal, illegal or prescription, that are considered by the professional medical community highly addictive and particularly dangerous for people with a substance abuse history, because they create an artificial feeling of sedative euphoria and/or alter reality. For my own personal recovery, because I’ve had substance abuse issues, abstinence from all these types of substances is the only logical path for me.

Conquering life’s problems with a clear unaltered head creates quality character, which strengthens my hope and self-esteem. To be able to look life in the eye and say, “give me your best shot”. As opposed to turning tail and running back to the pretend sanctuary of substance use at the first sign of trouble. No – if I flirt with disaster long enough, I’ll eventually return to that bottomless hell of addiction. Thanks, but no thanks. I love my life and I love life, free from the chains of substance abuse and out of that prison of chemical dependence.


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